Thirsty Thursday Eve - Ranch Water (January)

The first "Thirsty Thursday Eve" of the new year, but certainly not the first in this series. I arrived at a somewhat unexpected drink for January.

The AI recommendation went in some fairly standard directions for January: either low-calorie drinks to appeal to resolutions about health and weight loss, quintessential winter drinks, or "classics" for some reason.

January

• Theme 1: New Year, New You. Focus on lighter, low-sugar cocktails or drinks made with invigorating, fresh ingredients like citrus or herbs.
• Theme 2: Winter Warmers. Explore boozy hot drinks like a Spiked Hot Chocolate, a Hot Buttered Rum, or a Chai Toddy.
• Theme 3: The Classics. A great time to revisit foundational cocktails like the Old Fashioned, a Martini, or a Manhattan, as people are often cozying up indoors.

I already did spiced buttered rum, so that's off the table. I make hot chocolate with Bailey's or eggnog for my wife frequently, so that was an option. However, the most attractive option ended up being the "new year, new you" category for lighter, low-sugar cocktails.

My go-to drink when I'm trying to be fairly reasonable with my calorie intake is a bourbon or rum and coke zero, but that felt low effort. I did learn that you can make a Cuba Libre by just adding lime, so expect that to be featured soon. Alas, I wanted to find something that felt more premium.

One site recommended a skinny margarita. Isn't that just a ranch water? Turns out, no. A skinny margarita still frequently has some sort of sweetener, and ranch water purists will say that club soda isn't adequate; it HAS to be Topo Chico. Okay, cool, ranch water it is. I think that fits perfectly with the new year, new you low-calorie focus for January.

At first, I had considered ranch water for May due to the tequila. Cinco de Mayo is obviously a tequila-forward holiday, but while ranch water contains tequila, it's much more of a Texas drink. I'm still working out what to do for May, but ranch water seemed more fitting here.

Beyond low-calorie, we also need something cheap. The holidays are hard on your wallet, I get it. I've already overdrafted my checking account once, thank goodness for automatic overdraft protection. Drinking in January means something you can get a buzz on without spending a fortune. Enter: the ranch water.

First and foremost, we need Topo Chico. Far be it from me to tell the Texans how to make a drink they created. If they say it has to be Topo Chico, that's what we'll use. Walmart carries a 1L bottle for $2.34, and that's plenty to make a few servings with.

Next up, limes. We need limes if we're going to make it something other than just a tequila seltzer. I personally love lime, so I don't need much convincing to pick some up. Costco carries a 3lb bag for $3.89 (which contained 19 limes in my case). The product code was 3923, which means they aren't organic (the product code doesn't start with a 9) according to my old boss. Regardless, they are conventionally grown and they will work for me. Sorry, Bill.

The last and most important ingredient, tequila! Without that, it wouldn't be a cocktail. I'm a big fan of Costco's Kirkland Signature Tequila Blanco, so we'll go with that. At $0.44 per ounce, a two ounce drink comes out to $0.88 for the alcohol.

So let's do some math. Nobody is drinking a single ranch water, so we'll shoot for a few. That full liter of Topo Chico was $2.34, a handful of limes was $1 or less, and 6 shots of tequila was under $3. For $7 or so, I was absolutely blitzed. I made the first two with a double shot, but toward the end, I dialed it back to a single shot because I was stumbling way too much.

In short, a ranch water is a super cheap and super low calorie way to get a buzz. Plus, it's one of the few drinks that I would genuinely call "refreshing." I totally get why the Texas people love it. It's bright and citrus-y, and it'll get you drunk. What more could you want?

Eventually, I want to try a ranch water with the darker tequila that Costco offers. Next time I'm in town, that's one thing I want to pick up. Pretty sure my cousin prefers white tequila, but he'll get over it. This is for the sake of journalism! Until then, get you some tequila, lime, and Topo Chico: it's cheap, delicious, and intoxicating.