Book Report - "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
After numerous discussions with my wife, I finally got around to reading Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.” While it is sheer coincidence, there probably couldn’t be a more appropriate book for this month, given Valentine’s Day is this Friday and this book deals pointedly with love.
I picked it up originally after several discussions about how my wife more appreciates acts of service than any other love language. She gained exposure to the concept of love languages through various radio interviews, and knew of Dr. Chapman’s book, though she hasn’t yet read it. When she suggested it may help me understand, I took her suggestion and picked up the audiobook.
My goal, as is probably the goal of many who pick up the book, was to become a more loving husband. I certainly care for my wife, and I wanted to be able to make her see that more thoroughly. If the proliferation of the book were any mark of its success, it couldn’t hurt to read. Dr. Chapman is no stranger to various best selling book lists. Those who have read it seem to speak highly of it. I may as well check it out.
At first, my initial expectation was that the book would be a limp and shallow exploration of tactics at love that have no real substance: something you might read and nod your head in agreement, but have no real information of substance once all is said and done. That seems to be what the bulk of readers seem to want. They want to be affirmed in their opinions, casually following along, but never challenged or made to truly think and consider.
Fortunately, I was tremendously surprised. The whole book was chock-full of great information. Dr. Chapman lists out each of the love languages, explains the sorts of actions that speak in that love language, and then elaborates on how one might learn to express love in a language besides their own “native tongue” so to speak. He gives many case studies from his own practice as a marriage counselor. These studies span numerous situations, with many different couples, who identify with each of the different love languages. Several of them sounded intimately familiar to me, and thus, it was as if Dr. Chapman’s advice to these people were spoken directly to me.
Even beyond interactions between romantic partners, Dr. Chapman explains that these sorts of love languages also apply between parent and child. There is a book dedicated specifically to how parents my speak love languages to their children, but the original love languages book does give cursory exposure to it. This inclusion certainly helps to shed more light on the idea and use of love languages, lest the reader think they only apply to romantic relationships.
Perhaps my favorite part is about being “in love.” In many opinions, to be “in love” is even more extreme and desirable than to just love. Dr. Chapman’s opinion goes almost directly counter to that idea. Instead of striving to be in love, he suggests that we must wait for the period of being in love to pass before we can truly and deliberately choose to love. Being in love is an infatuation, a distracting hurdle that we must overcome to build a successful relationship. Falling in love comes very naturally, but just as naturally does it fade over time. Unless we want to continually pursue new relationships with new people, driven by the latest attraction, we must eventually abandon the goal to be in love and instead choose to actively love one person. I always knew that love was something we have to work at, but it was refreshing to read Dr. Chapman’s criticism of following the path of least resistance and allowing the addiction to being in love to decide our next partner for us.
The key to the success of this book can be summed up in a single word: actionable. Where other self-help guides give big ideas that sound good on paper, they are rarely something that can be put into motion with deliberate methods. Everyone would be a millionaire if being rich were simply a mindset that one must adopt. Dr. Chapman’s book identifies the goal, but then he explains the means by which to obtain this goal, often citing a number of specific examples. As abstract and personal as love is, he still manages to point out specific and general methods that anyone can implement.
Many people seem to complain that “The Five Love Languages” is geared toward a heterosexual, white, Christian, male understanding of love. Unfortunately, I am each of those, so I can’t voice a counter argument or eliminate bias. I could certainly see why some would describe it that way, and I definitely wouldn't say that it is perfect, but it does offer ideas to consider from at least one perspective. If you don’t check all of those boxes, or even if you check none of them, I would say it may still behoove you to read the book. Not all of the examples may be applicable to your specific experience, but Dr. Chapman’s theories do shed light on the philosophical and emotional enigma of love.
If you are in a relationship that has seen better days, “The Five Love Languages” may give you some new ideas to try, as well as a second wind to your effort in loving your significant other. Even if you and your partner are happy, a better understanding of how to speak your partner’s love language, as well as communicate your own needs, could still improve your relationship. I plan on reading it at least once a year or so, just to remind myself of how I could better love my family. If there is one book that I would recommend for improving your quality of life, this is it.
Resources:
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Oasis Audio, 2005. Audiobook, 4 compact discs.
I picked it up originally after several discussions about how my wife more appreciates acts of service than any other love language. She gained exposure to the concept of love languages through various radio interviews, and knew of Dr. Chapman’s book, though she hasn’t yet read it. When she suggested it may help me understand, I took her suggestion and picked up the audiobook.
My goal, as is probably the goal of many who pick up the book, was to become a more loving husband. I certainly care for my wife, and I wanted to be able to make her see that more thoroughly. If the proliferation of the book were any mark of its success, it couldn’t hurt to read. Dr. Chapman is no stranger to various best selling book lists. Those who have read it seem to speak highly of it. I may as well check it out.
At first, my initial expectation was that the book would be a limp and shallow exploration of tactics at love that have no real substance: something you might read and nod your head in agreement, but have no real information of substance once all is said and done. That seems to be what the bulk of readers seem to want. They want to be affirmed in their opinions, casually following along, but never challenged or made to truly think and consider.
Fortunately, I was tremendously surprised. The whole book was chock-full of great information. Dr. Chapman lists out each of the love languages, explains the sorts of actions that speak in that love language, and then elaborates on how one might learn to express love in a language besides their own “native tongue” so to speak. He gives many case studies from his own practice as a marriage counselor. These studies span numerous situations, with many different couples, who identify with each of the different love languages. Several of them sounded intimately familiar to me, and thus, it was as if Dr. Chapman’s advice to these people were spoken directly to me.
Even beyond interactions between romantic partners, Dr. Chapman explains that these sorts of love languages also apply between parent and child. There is a book dedicated specifically to how parents my speak love languages to their children, but the original love languages book does give cursory exposure to it. This inclusion certainly helps to shed more light on the idea and use of love languages, lest the reader think they only apply to romantic relationships.
Perhaps my favorite part is about being “in love.” In many opinions, to be “in love” is even more extreme and desirable than to just love. Dr. Chapman’s opinion goes almost directly counter to that idea. Instead of striving to be in love, he suggests that we must wait for the period of being in love to pass before we can truly and deliberately choose to love. Being in love is an infatuation, a distracting hurdle that we must overcome to build a successful relationship. Falling in love comes very naturally, but just as naturally does it fade over time. Unless we want to continually pursue new relationships with new people, driven by the latest attraction, we must eventually abandon the goal to be in love and instead choose to actively love one person. I always knew that love was something we have to work at, but it was refreshing to read Dr. Chapman’s criticism of following the path of least resistance and allowing the addiction to being in love to decide our next partner for us.
The key to the success of this book can be summed up in a single word: actionable. Where other self-help guides give big ideas that sound good on paper, they are rarely something that can be put into motion with deliberate methods. Everyone would be a millionaire if being rich were simply a mindset that one must adopt. Dr. Chapman’s book identifies the goal, but then he explains the means by which to obtain this goal, often citing a number of specific examples. As abstract and personal as love is, he still manages to point out specific and general methods that anyone can implement.
Many people seem to complain that “The Five Love Languages” is geared toward a heterosexual, white, Christian, male understanding of love. Unfortunately, I am each of those, so I can’t voice a counter argument or eliminate bias. I could certainly see why some would describe it that way, and I definitely wouldn't say that it is perfect, but it does offer ideas to consider from at least one perspective. If you don’t check all of those boxes, or even if you check none of them, I would say it may still behoove you to read the book. Not all of the examples may be applicable to your specific experience, but Dr. Chapman’s theories do shed light on the philosophical and emotional enigma of love.
If you are in a relationship that has seen better days, “The Five Love Languages” may give you some new ideas to try, as well as a second wind to your effort in loving your significant other. Even if you and your partner are happy, a better understanding of how to speak your partner’s love language, as well as communicate your own needs, could still improve your relationship. I plan on reading it at least once a year or so, just to remind myself of how I could better love my family. If there is one book that I would recommend for improving your quality of life, this is it.
Resources:
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Oasis Audio, 2005. Audiobook, 4 compact discs.
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